Tuesday, August 23, 2011

A Month Goes By

No one reads this.  But it's good for me to write once in awhile, I guess.

It's been a horrible month.  It began with an incredibly horrible experience in Florida last month and life continues to suck.  I have seen him maybe three times and not for longer than 45 minutes at a time.  We're friends - I have no idea how we got here - but we're friends.  We don't act like partners, we don't talk like partners - just friends.  And it absolutely infuriates me that we can't talk about it.  Does he assume everything is fine?  Or is the obvious really the truth?  I mean, sometimes what appears to be obvious is opposite of truth.  So that just adds to my frustration.

Looking for a new place to live and going to try out the room mate situation.  Honestly not sure if it will work but we'll find out.  We're friends and I really hope living together for awhile does not destroy that.  I couldn't hand another failed relationship.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

July 22, 2011

Here I sit, in a rented nissan, on the dunedin causeway.  The rain and lightening are all around.  It's 10:45 p.m. and I SHOULD be in bed but its impossible to sleep before three a.m. at that house.  He starts to drink and then the tv gets really loud.  In fact, he turns the volume up ALL the way when he's drunk. 

It hasn't been a good week.  Terry has zero interest in playing a concert.  The organ has been broken and we haven't been able to rehearse yet - the concert is saturday, and then two more performances on Sunday.  I'm not enjoying this trip at all.  I really am not.  Terry needs counseling and he needs it soon.  He's bringing everyone around him down in to his own personal hell but he doesn't understand that we won't go all the way with him - he'll descend all by himself.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Profound Sense of Loneliness

I have been reading my horoscope every day for a while now.  I do not "get into" the occult practice of following the signs and stars BUT I do get some fascinating and wonderful thoughts from reading the horoscope. 

Today's mentioned my "profound sense of loneliness".  It was comforting to read those words because it is exactly what is going on with me.  I have been profoundly lonely lately.  I live with my parents, I talk to people online, I have even attended a few social events but still i feel horribly alone.  I have a partner that I am supposed to be sharing this life with but there is very little sharing. 

A few weeks ago I mentioned something about karma.  I have always known that some of the things I put my ex-wife through were unfair and hurtful.  We BOTH did our share of hurting one another - but I never really walked her shoes until recently - THAT'S the karma that's coming back to kick me in the ass.  I knew it would probably happen.  I find myself saying and asking the same things she did - and that disturbs me greatly. 

So here I am on this life path - lonely, but surrounded by people.  Moving forward but having the past kick me in the ass on occasion.  And where is  God?  Oh He has been right there along for the ride.  I know I'm not a punching bag for him (a phrase someone 'else' used frequently) because I don't believe that's the way God works.  But part of my loneliness comes from not hearing Him.  Trying to figure out the next steps but getting absolutely no response from the Holy is so...lonely.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

May 24, 2011

It seems like a better day.  It just does.  This is day two of early waking for me which I hope is the start of a new trend.  Typically it doesn't last long but I'm holding on to hope.

Sunday, May 22, 2011


Feeling philanthropic?  Have a few bucks laying around you really won't be using?  wanna help someone pay his bills, get to the doctor, afford his medication?  here's your chance! 
 just click on the PAYPAL icon and donate till your hearts' content (or till your bank won't let you anymore).

Thank you.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

What a depressing day.  i woke up this morning and immediately was questioned about why i sleep so much.  After YEARS of explaining my damned disease to her she still insists that I'm doing something wrong and that's why I am not well.  I am so fed up with that mentality.  I'm also fed up with people in my business.  I'm tired today - I got divorced just to get married again??  I think NOT. 

Here's the problem:  money.  yep.  Money.  Big surprise, right?  Not really - those who say money can't buy you happiness never had it to begin with.  Because I'm here to tell you that I'm much happier when I have the money to pay my bills, buy my medication, see a doctor, and eat.  not necessarily in that order!

so I left the house again.  I drive to a local park, roll down the windows, and use my phone's wi-fi to do email and some work (work that, by the way, I'm not getting paid to do!).  It seems I do a lot of work and am not seeing ANY reward for it yet.  When is it my turn?  as Judy Garland once said, "where is my g****** rainbow?!"

So i'm having issues with my eyes.  I can see but i can't focus on anything.  And of cousre i can't afford to go see the eye doctor so i'm screwed.

I'm pretty depressed today...does it show?  I just can't get myself out of this funk.  And the disability income I get is an insult.  It really is.  And since my rent was lowered (which I can't afford ANYway) my food stamps were reduced from 200 to 72.  How does that make sense?  My expenses far out weigh my income.  I'm behind two months in my truck payment and every single medical bill is now at collections.  I don't care about the credit score though.  Seriously - what can I do about it when I don't have a pot to piss in.  I don't even have ENOUGH debt to declare bankruptcy.  I don't have the 1500 to pay the attorney to file for it anyway so I'm screwed.  Just screwed. 

I'm done ranting - not really but I don't want anyone to think this is my "last note".  It's not. i have NO intentions of ending my life...I'm just tired of my life and I need to change it.  I need an income but i'm too ill to get and maintain a job.  :-(  I'm going to go cry in to the wind now.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

No One's Priority

Who is at the top of your priority list?  Your loved one?  Your children?  Yourself?  Your career?

Who in your life has YOU as one of their top priorities?  Again, a loved one, your children, or yourself?   Everyone needs to feel like they matter once in awhile.  Everyone deserves to have some attention and everyone deserves to be someone's priority.

So I'm sitting here, once again, having received notice that someone in my very close sphere of influence, someone I consider to be family, was taken ill and to emergency this morning.  And here I sit - still not knowing a damn thing.  It's happened before.  That time the emergency only lasted a few hours, everyone went home and went about their daily tasks and no one notified me.  Then, like today, I refrain from sending text messages or calling because I'm sure they have their hands full with his emergency.  Still I can't help but to feel that I am on no one's priority list.

Yeah - maybe I'm having a pity party - again.  No.  that's not it.  it's probably karma coming back to bite me in the ass.  I deserve it, karma, so gnaw away.