Sunday, May 22, 2011

Sunday, May 22, 2011

What a depressing day.  i woke up this morning and immediately was questioned about why i sleep so much.  After YEARS of explaining my damned disease to her she still insists that I'm doing something wrong and that's why I am not well.  I am so fed up with that mentality.  I'm also fed up with people in my business.  I'm tired today - I got divorced just to get married again??  I think NOT. 

Here's the problem:  money.  yep.  Money.  Big surprise, right?  Not really - those who say money can't buy you happiness never had it to begin with.  Because I'm here to tell you that I'm much happier when I have the money to pay my bills, buy my medication, see a doctor, and eat.  not necessarily in that order!

so I left the house again.  I drive to a local park, roll down the windows, and use my phone's wi-fi to do email and some work (work that, by the way, I'm not getting paid to do!).  It seems I do a lot of work and am not seeing ANY reward for it yet.  When is it my turn?  as Judy Garland once said, "where is my g****** rainbow?!"

So i'm having issues with my eyes.  I can see but i can't focus on anything.  And of cousre i can't afford to go see the eye doctor so i'm screwed.

I'm pretty depressed today...does it show?  I just can't get myself out of this funk.  And the disability income I get is an insult.  It really is.  And since my rent was lowered (which I can't afford ANYway) my food stamps were reduced from 200 to 72.  How does that make sense?  My expenses far out weigh my income.  I'm behind two months in my truck payment and every single medical bill is now at collections.  I don't care about the credit score though.  Seriously - what can I do about it when I don't have a pot to piss in.  I don't even have ENOUGH debt to declare bankruptcy.  I don't have the 1500 to pay the attorney to file for it anyway so I'm screwed.  Just screwed. 

I'm done ranting - not really but I don't want anyone to think this is my "last note".  It's not. i have NO intentions of ending my life...I'm just tired of my life and I need to change it.  I need an income but i'm too ill to get and maintain a job.  :-(  I'm going to go cry in to the wind now.

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